Yesterday, as I was shopping and talking to one of my best gal pals, the conversation turned to marriage and how hard it is sometimes. Yes, sometimes it really is. (Which is why a Marriage Coach can be so helpful!) As I reflected our conversation, I thought about the ups and downs husband Josh and I have faced during our nine years of marriage. As I begin to create posts, I will use examples from my own life to apply to yours, to give you something to think about, and just maybe it will help you!
Josh and I were not really together long prior to us getting married. I had not known him for years and years. However, I had felt as though I had known him my entire life, rather than the year I really had known him. When we went on our Honeymoon, we were chosen to participate in a married couples game at the resort we were staying at. They took three couples to compete against each other- a newlywed couple (Josh and me), a couple celebrating up to 10 years of marriage, and then the couple married the longest (that night it was a couple celebrating 40 years of marriage!) The competitions were: How Well You Know The Other quiz (Josh and I won!), Popping Balloons with Combined Body Parts (we came in 2nd), and How Quickly You Can Change Into One Another's Clothing! (again, we won, simply because I wore a barely there dress that was scandalous on Josh and he is easily twice my size so it was easy to slip into his clothing!!!) Yes, it was HILARIOUS, and yes, we won and took home a t-shirt and free massage, but the thing that makes me chuckle now is that we won the quiz. We BEAT the couples who had been married longer (although the 40 year married couple did almost beat us!) So, why is that???
Isn't it true that when you are first in love with someone, everything is glorious, new, and exciting? You want to drink in every detail about the other person. And then you get married and for some reason, I hear over and over again (and I know I, too, have said this!), "My spouse just doesn't care how I feel/think/am interested in anymore!" It seems so often that once our lives really get going, raising families, working, and doing this thing called Life, it feels as though you miss many of the details in one another's life.
Recently, I did an exercise with my husband to get us both thinking about those little details. It was a 20 questions game. But I deliberately had questions that were deeper, such as, "What is your favorite quality about your spouse", and "What is a moment in our relationship together that was my happiest?" If you are competitive like my husband and me, you can attach a point system, of course! But by asking these questions and then LISTENING to the correct answer if you didn't answer correctly, allows for you two to talk about those details in your life that has woven the fabric of your life together. It was interesting for me to learn that Josh and I had different perspectives of the same experiences. It was also eye opening for him to learn that my happiest moment in our marriage was a seemingly uneventful, boring night of him bringing me a glass of water when our youngest was a baby and I was up in the middle of the night feeding him. Josh was shocked to learn that that one simple gesture 8 years ago has been one of those small details that to me, was one of the biggest, most-defining moments in our life...a moment that makes me swell with love for that man even today and the moment that when things are bad, I remember to get back to the good.
If you need help coming up with 20 Questions to ask your spouse, please send me an email and I will send you several lists to chose questions from! I promise you, this exercise will allow you to find appreciation and gratitude for one another, see your spouse from a different perspective, and above all, allow you to stay on top of those little details in your life that are PRICELESS!